...

To be honest... life kind of sucks at times. Most of my friends come to me with the same problems. So you meet someone, and he/she seems so nice.You probably go to school together, may not have a lot classes but you do see each other in the halls and at lunch. You grow even closer and you eventually swap numbers. You talk, and you talk. You end up realizing how much you love talking to this person. A 3 hour conversation will seem like 5 short minutes. You bond over corny jokes, music, art and other things. You share secrets, fears, things you love, things you hate, literally everything. You may disagree with them and argue, but just one look at them and without even noticing the biggest smile is put on your face. 

Days and weeks go by, and now you've grown another fear. The fear of loosing someone you know care about so much? The fear of falling too hard ? The fear of not being enough? Or maybe you're just scared because this person means more to you then anyone else. You then start doing stupid things, like being defensive and stubborn for no reason, being too needy, craving attention 24/7. Finally you convince yourself, that the persons better off without you and that they deserve better. 

You stop talking, you go back to being strangers. Its like you die a little inside because now you have to walk by them everyday, and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before. When really you know everything about them. You're hurt, and can't move on because you messed up something that was so perfect, something you feel you may never get again. I mean you can try, but really how are you supposed to get over that? 

So now you've got a choice, I mean its obvious you're not over the person and truly miss them so do you follow what your heart wants or do you go with the rational decision. I mean its easy to make up your  mind but convincing your heart is the hard part.

You may be wondering if its worth it. But honestly that's not even up to you to decide. Say you do pour your thoughts and heart to this person. Its there say, sometimes people just change and no longer want things they used to want. Don't let that stop you though, you wont know unless you try. Hope for the better.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” 
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Death

Death is devastating. I mean it just happens..

Last summer me and my grandmother (who was only 59) were on the phone. We were conversing about how she could not wait to see me in the summer(she lives in Lebanon) and how she misses me. "You know I love you", is what she said and then something went wrong with my phone service and the call ended. I didn't think to call her back. The next week, my mom comes into my room saying she booked a flight to Lebanon for that night, and that her mother had passed away. She was trying to explain to me how she had a stroke but as I cried and I cried all I could think of was the last few words she had said to me, they would replay in my head, with such a fresh and clear voice. My grandmother, the lady I look up to, who was healthy and perfectly fine is now gone. Its weird, the death of loved one. Our time in this world is limited and I guess it is true, all of us will go at some time, never to wake up. Yet I was so shocked and surprised.

Let me tell you this, you never get used to it. The idea of someone actually being gone. Just when you think the worlds going round again & its been accepted, someone points it out and it just hits you again.

The next few weeks I was full of rage, I mean I had about a hundred people saying "sorry for your loss" "she was a great lady". PEOPLE WHO DID NOT KNOW HER, PEOPLE WHO BARELY KNOW ME. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed all the comfort I was getting from everyone. But you reach a point where your fed up with the idea that people are always feeling sorry for you. It was like a bad day that would just not end.

I attended the local funeral we had. Like any other funeral, you bid the dead farewell. You grieve. But then you've just got to continue with your life, and at times her absence will hit you, and you will weep. But days, weeks and then months will pass by. It'll began to happen less and less. The persons now gone, but you're alive, I guess that means you should probably live.

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new."

-Steve Jobs

3 pieces of advice

1/3- Don't give into peer pressure

Being in high school, you're tempted by so many things, things you see everyone else doing, things that are considered "cool". I on the other hand, for some reason, my personality just does not desire these things and even though I was the odd one out, I would never give into things I knew weren't right. Sometimes I guess it seems like a good idea to "live a little", but you should never do something you don't want to do. Don't be peer pressured. People nowadays are willing to weaken themselves for the sake of others. DO NOT let others define and set the pace of your life. Be YOUR best, live YOUR best. "Make every day count and you'll see how exponentially more exciting, thrilling, successful. Happy and full your life will be."

2/3- Mental health

Your mental health should always come before anything else, even school. If its midnight, and you have an exam or test the next day, but you're completely stressed out, you're shaking and having trouble breathing. Gets some ice cream and go to bed. So what if you get a 62% on the exam the next day? You took care of yourself and at the end of the day that will always come before a high test score. To hell with anyone who says differently.

3/3- You don't need other people to make you happy

You're whole without someone else. You are not a fraction. You're a complete masterpiece all by yourself and you do not need anyone else to validate your existence. Yes most of us need people; usually it’s to feel some sort of connection. Don't try so hard to be an army of one, work on depending on yourself and needing people from time to time."True happiness is shared, find your own happiness and let other give it to you too."

“Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.” 
― Robert Frost